THE ROUND COMES TO A CLOSE AS A DEADLY FOE MEETS HER END AND THE MATCHSTICK KILLER EMERGES THE FUCKING VICTOR
This round of Assassins has ended. The victor, with 6 kills, is the formidable Alan Starzinski, who struck down Nivedita Kulkarni this very afternoon. Here is his kill report, in full:
I write this letter after tussling in on the sidewalk with my would-be assassin. I had just come back from dropping off my laundry and getting some pizza; I had been in the habit of carrying my guns with me everywhere, I even questioned whether to bring it with me today, but had decided for it. I was walking down the street when I saw I large yellow umbrella and an Indian-American girl in a blonde wig. Her aesthetic ruse was not enough to keep me at bay. My assassin noticed me at the very moment I had noticed her. She started to calmly cross the street, and I as we have previously reported am not the quiet type for my kills, brazenly and blaringly dashed across the street. Whilst I was making my way across my now target, holding her coffee and umbrella, was struggling to open her yellow shield. Her attempts to duplicate the “Starzinski Shield Technique” would be the very thing that prevented her from surviving, the irony was not looked past here. It takes years to master the “Starzinski Shield Technique” and even then should be left to only the true masters of it.
Upon me crossing the street I met with a still bumbling Neve. I shot my gun I am sure I hit her, but it was too unclear to be certain. So, I went for my side arm. I raised it to her and her coffee dropped; Then so did she and I. She pounced atop me, shouting, “No!” several times. The mad woman’s body had become overwhelmed with adrenalin and her strength increased. This was unfortunately not enough. Breaking her grip I turned my gun on to hoping it’s direction was true. I pushed the button and the tiny nerf dart sailed it’s way to strike The Woman of Disguise on the hand. “You’re dead, it hit your hand.” I said. She got up defeat and trudged away. I have few regrets in this meeting. One being that I will never get to utter my brilliant pun, as my matches were on my dresser. Another being that I did not get to topple the record set by last year’s champion and this year’s coward Benjamin Rameaka.
P.S. This whole battle with a girl on top of me screaming, “No.” happened in front of a Police Station.
P.P.S. I will be sending out an email to let everyone know when the pizza party is. It will be for people in the game only, and Kirk D’Amato.
Congratulations, Mr. Starzinski, and to you as well, Ms. Kulkarni. You both fought bravely and well. The yin and yang of your styles of play were the poetic close to this epic round of death-dealing and deceit.
ALAN STARZINSKI HAS JUST WON $345 FOR SHOOTING COMEDIANS WITH FOAM DARTS. ANYONE WHO TASTES BILE IN THE BACK OF THEIR THROAT AFTER READING THAT IS ENCOURAGED TO JOIN US NEXT ROUND TO UNSEAT THE CHAMPION.
THE CITY RESTS EASY ONCE AGAIN. THE KILLING HAS STOPPED. BUT FOR HOW LONG? THE NEXT ROUND WILL BE UPON YOU SOON ENOUGH. UNTIL THEN, KEEP YOUR WITS SHARP.
AND THANK YOU FOR PLAYING. (IF I EXPRESS GRATITUDE IN ALL CAPS MAYBE IT WILL SEEM LESS LAME.)