May 2011
2 posts
THE ROUND COMES TO A CLOSE AS A DEADLY FOE MEETS...
This round of Assassins has ended. The victor, with 6 kills, is the formidable Alan Starzinski, who struck down Nivedita Kulkarni this very afternoon. Here is his kill report, in full:
I write this letter after tussling in on the sidewalk with my would-be assassin. I had just come back from dropping off my laundry and getting some pizza; I had been in the habit of carrying my guns with me...
ALDEN FORD FINALLY DEAD, OR: NO, HE DOESN'T GET A...
ALDEN FORD was brutally gunned down yesterday, as we all knew he would be, yet another in an unstoppable killing streak by the vicious Nivedita Kulkarni. As Alden left his neighborhood laundromat, he was wary and alert, but as he ventured home, his springtime allergies gave him a three-sneeze fit which allowed his assassin to cross the street unnnoticed and put Mr. Ford out of his misery. See,...
April 2011
14 posts
BECKY DIES-DALE, OR: ADD "-DALE" TO MY ERIK DIES...
Just when I thought the deadly Nivedita Kulkarni couldn’t get any more secretive, I receive the following email concerning her brutal assassination of BECKY DRYSDALE:
“Becky Drysdale dead - undisclosed time and location”
That is some chillingly non-informational shit.
Rest in peace, Becky. I don’t know when or where you died, but I know how: at the deadly, unflinching...
FAREWELLENA CHMIE-PEW-PEW-PEW-SKI, OR: KULKARNI...
ELLENA CHMIELEWSKI, the most recent player to score a kill, was herself assassinated this morning at 9AM by the terrifying Nivedita Kulkarni, who again sent a no-nonsense email to report.
HOWEVER, a text message from beyond the grave revealed a fascinating detail which thickens the plot of the shrouded mystery that is Ms. Kulkarni like a handful of fresh-chopped okra in a deadly, deadly Nerf...
JASON CARDAVER, OR: YOU JASON, YOU LOSE SOME
JASON CARDEN was brutally gunned down last week by the wily Ellena Chmielewski. Here is her account of the event:
I got a tip from another assassin about where Jason buys snacks every week before his show.
So I went there and shot him. Then I bought myself some snacks, too.
Fascinating.
We may never know what manner of snacks these were — sweet or savory, chocolate-flavored or...
ANOTHER KILL, ANOTHER DELICIOUSLY SPARSE REPORT,...
MATTHEW DENNIE is dead, a man who I have not seen nor heard from since the round began. I can only assume this was because he has been right behind me the whole time, and my constant, sleepless, adrenaline-soaked circumvention tactics have ultimately payed off.
The formidable dark horse Nivedita Kulkarni has reported her second kill, both of which were reported with almost no information...
KILLER STRIKES, MATCH WON'T, OR: BAER VS. PENGUIN
The matchstick killer has struck again, once more with a deadly dart but a defective match. PAT BAER exited the UCB theater last week and was shot by Mr. Alan Starzinski as he made his way to the subway station. Unfortunately, the kill was inside the radius of protection (!) and was rendered invalid. Mr. Starzinski made his way onto the train, and Mr. Baer was faced with a dilemma. From his...
SCHWERER ALL THE UPDATES? HERE'S ONE.
JENNIFER LEIGH SCHWERER was brutally killed last week in a table-turning attempt on the life of one Becky Drysdale. Here is Ms. Schwerer’s account:
Over the last week, I stalked Becky’s apartment a number of times with no luck. Today, I decided that I needed to get inside. I planned to wait until her improv class ended and then buzz her apartment, pretending to be a student who...
AN EASTER DISPATCH FROM AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
Several contenders have fallen. The game is very much active. There will be a victor soon. Updates coming ASAP.
Until then, check out this terrible Easter Bunny illustration.
THESE PLAYERS STILL REMAIN
List updated as the game progresses.
NIVEDITA KULKARNI - 5 KILLS
ALAN STARZINSKI - 5 KILLS
GOOD BYE-LER, TYLER, OR: TRUCE OR GLARE
The death of Chris Dunn has been avenged, as JON TYLER was killed yesterday by Alden Ford.
It was a slow, patient wait, to be sure. Mr. Tyler and Mr. Ford had spent the afternoon in the company of other players, and besides, an armistice had been informally declared for the purposes of a stress-free lunch. But as the day progressed and lunch became drinks, drinks became more drinks and an...
SUD-DUNN DEATH, OR: CHRIS-MAS IS CANCELLED
CHRISTOPHER “BUCKY” DUNN was gunned down by Jon Tyler at 2:30AM on Saturday morning, mere hours after the start of sudden death. Details are scant and most likely distorted by the fog of drunkenness, but I have been assured that a somewhat accurate report of the apparently epic, 90-minute cat and mouse game is coming soon. What we do know is this - a chase occured. Sprints took...
NICK MENDILLO PERFORMS NERFFUKU
NICK MENDILLO is the first player to die in sudden death, and BY HIS OWN HAND. Behold the grisly suicide video he submitted:
Farewell, sir - you just racked up your second kill.
NOW THERE ARE 11.
SLAY ANYTHING
SUDDEN DEATH HAS BEGUN.
BUSTIN' TYLER, OR: J.T. FIZZLE
In a delightful act of secrecy, I received word of the death of JUSTIN TYLER via an anonymous email account. The email follows:
Yesterday evening I waited for Mr. Tyler, crouched next to a concrete pillar outside of his work place. I had received a tip from a trusted source that he would be there, but there was no way to know what time he would emerge. After about an hour, I began to think...
GOLDEN ARCHES, PEARLY GATES, OR: I'LL TAKE THAT...
JESSE GLASGOW was gunned down yesterday in front of a McDonald’s near hear home, by an assassin with great taste in delicious fast food.
During his stakeout, Ms. Glasgow’s assassin dined on an American classic, the 10-piece Chicken McNuggets®, only $3.85, dipped in our tangy, spicy buffalo sauce, complimentary and available by request where available. An assassin as efficient and...
March 2011
16 posts
GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE A KENNEDY ASSASSINATED, OR:...
MARSHALL STRATTON was killed in a reversal last night after being lured into a trap BY HIS TARGET. Earlier that evening, an attempt had been made by Stratton, but both the assassin’s and target’s darts hit at the same time, so a reset was called. After a show, Marshall’s target enlisted the help of another player and the two headed to the train together. But the target noticed...
"TELL ALDEN NOT TO BE LAZY WITH MY HEADLINE," OR:...
ERIK DIES has DIESd at the hands of a DIESabolical assassin intent on ERIKadicating him from the tournament. Not unlike MonDIE’S assassination of Justin Purnell, Erik’s assassin chERIKed in at McManus and was surprDIESed to see his target sitting at a booth with no other players in sight. The kill was simple and free of superfluiDIES. Nothing but a “sorry, buddy,” a dart...
CALL THE PALM-BEARER, OR: THE MATCH STRIKES TWO
Late last night I received two emails telling the same story from two very different perspectives. The story in question: The grisly death of one GARRETT PALM.
First, the assassin’s tale (feel free to add your own punctuation where you see fit):
Earlier this week I texted one of garrett’s improv teammates and asked when they practiced and where, without suspicion. As i entered the...
SHOT FOR LLOYDERING, OR: SO SOLLY, MOLLY
MOLLY LLOYD has fallen at the hands of a much less verbose assassin than Sarah Wharton’s. Moments after posting an epic Gchat screenshot about Sarah’s death, I received this palate cleanser from another assassin:
To say this is an efficient email is an understatement.
BUT THIS IS AS IT SHOULD BE. No tales of grandeur for Molly Lloyd’s assassin, no. Her description of her...
H.A.M. SARAHNDWICH, OR: WHARTON INTERESTING STORY
SARAH WHARTON was killed early this morning by a determined and patient assassin. His story needs no elaboration. Behold:
Farewell, Ms. Wharton.
FINALLY MY LOVE’S DEATH HAS BEEN AVENGED. THE ONLY THANKS I CAN OFFER IS MADE OF FOAM AND YOU WILL NOT SEE IT COMING.
18 PLAYERS REMAIN.
PURN NOTICE
JUSTIN PURNELL was killed yesterday in a hasty and miraculously successful reconnaissance mission to Peter McManus Cafe. Purnell’s assassin, enjoying a frosty beverage at a bar just up the street, thought to check the UCB hangout in the off-chance that his target was there. Sure enough, when he arrived at McManus, Mr. Purnell was one of the very few people in the establishment.
Not...
SO LONGY McNULTY
JOHNNY McNULTY has fallen at the hands of a devious assassin. On Monday afternoon, the assailant arrived to Champions rehearsal studios and waited in a garbage room in the lobby with a sufficient surveillance view of the elevator bank. A true assassin is many things, but above hiding amidst refuse is not one of them.
After brooding in the trash room and scaring the shit out of several unwitting...
BROOKLYN DIE-CEUM, OR: MIKE'S CALLIN'S AT THE...
MIKE SCOLLINS met a tragic end last night at the in Brooklyn, the victim of an intense assassination that was very nearly botched.
At approximately 1:30AM, Mr. Scollins headed to the disgusting restrooms on the first floor of the Brooklyn Lyceum, and after assassinating his urge to urinate, was pulled aside by a friend in the anteroom. An observant player noticed him conversing, unarmed and out...
THE LAST NOEL, OR: WINSTON DEAD-MORE
A comedy of errors became a tragedy of terrors last night for one WINSTON NOEL, whose promising start in his first round of assassins was cut short. His encounter with his assassin started with a botched attempt but led to a successful kill by the very same assailant only moments later.
Mr. Noel was enjoying a drink at a bar below a theater where he was performing, when in burst his reckless...
POOR ALISON RICH
Artist’s rendition of the look on Ms. Rich’s face at the time of her death. We employ incredibly meticulous rendition artists.
ALISON RICH, a first-time combatant in this round, was assassinated this evening in Chelsea in an epic chase and shootout.
Ms. Rich’s assassin contacted me this evening and was incredibly secretive about the circumstances involving her death....
TERRY WITHERS AND DIES
At 12:30 this morning I received two emails, one from the late TERRY WITHERS, and the other from his victorious assassin. They both told a similar story, one of a long and patient stakeout, a face-off in which the assassin coolly drew his gun and dared Mr. Withers to fight back, an intense pursuit through icy and wet streets, the sleet mirroring the chill in Terry’s soul as he felt the...
TUESDAY (FIRST) BLOODY TUESDAY
THE GAME IS FUCKING AFOOT.
THREE WORTHY CONTENDERS MET A GRISLY END Tuesday night at the hands of two deadly, deadly assassins.
file photo
First, at 7:45PM, the reanimated corpse of MACKENZIE CONDON was leaving her place of work and was shot, again, by her persistent assassin, who escaped with his brains intact. Dead-ja vu. Goodnight once again, Ms. Condon.
But her assassin’s bloodlust...
GET IT TOGETHER
There are still no kills to report. This means one of two things:
1. You people are the most silent, stealthy, untrackable deadly ghost ninjas alive, and are all constantly evading each other in a poetic, perfectly balanced dance of near misses and high-tension pursuit and evasion. When a single assassin takes a wrong step, the entire game will become a bloodbath of carefully planned schemes,...
MACKENZOMBIE CONDON
Ms. Condon, once deceased, seen here moments after rising from the grave.
Due to an error on the part of her assassin, Mackenzie Condon was not actually killed on Tuesday. She was shot within the one-block safety radius around her workplace and was therefore immune from assassination. She is back in the game and First Blood in this game has yet to be drawn. Careful, Ms. Condon - it may yet be...
FIRST BLOOD: MACKENZIE GONE-DON
Ladies and gentlemen, the first blood on this glorious battleground has been spilt. MACKENZIE CONDON, a comely young lady and third-year veteran to this brutal tournament, was shot exactly one block from her place of work, followed by her stealthy and exacting assassin, who wasted no time before fulfilling his grim charge.
Details about this swift and brutal assassination are scant, but that is...
28 MEN AND WOMEN OF STEALTH, CUNNING AND...
The following 28 men and women are cold-blooded killers the likes of which this game has never seen. Some are seasoned veterans - to them the hunt is a familiar lover, death an honored friend. Others have the fire of the neophyte, playing for the first time with passion and ingenuity perhaps unseen in the jaded and hardened masters.
MANY WILL HUNT....
February 2011
1 post
March 2010
37 posts
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
This competition is nearly finished. It is down to two: the juggernaut BEN RAMEAKA, with an UNBELIEVABLE 8 KILLS, and ADAM FRUCCI, David to Rameaka’s Goliath, with 2 first-week kills.
WHO WILL BE VICTORIOUS? WHO WILL BE THE CHAMPION OF COMEDY NERDS SHOOTING EACH OTHER WITH TOY GUNS??
MOR-GONE PHILLIPS
MORGAN PHILLIPS was shot today immediately after his Harold Night callback. His assassin offered the following words of consolation:
“Better after your audition than before, right?”
Morgan was a daring and inventive assassin, if not a prolific one. His weapons of choice were a tiny, wrist-mounted gun which could be easily worn and concealed under a shirt sleeve, and his trusty...
BAER SEASON! WABBIT SEASON! BAER SEASON! WABBIT...
Pat Baer was shot tonight at the UCB Theater. There are now 3 left.
Pat Baer was many things: studious researcher of the lives and schedules of every player, fiercely defensive evasive maneuverer, pugilistic online presence, staunch defender of the rules of the game. He stayed alive longer than his biggest skeptics, and died peacefully, having resigned himself to what he knew would be his...
SHOOTING STARZ, OR: FOR THE LAST TIME, DON'T TRUST...
People. Seriously. How many times do I have to tell you: TRUST NO ONE. ESPECIALLY - ESPECIALLY - CHRIS FUCKING GETHARD.
ALAN STARZINSKI was the victim of another epic double-cross tonight, the predictable outcome of believing a single word from the mouth of the late Mr. Gethard.
I’ve posted his entire email to me below, as I feel it is at home on this blog - he has flatteringly peppered...
YOU CRAZY PEOPLE ARE KILLING EACH OTHER FASTER...
Sorry for the lack of updates, friends. Three players have met their demises since the last dispatch - two of them while I slumbered last night, free from the panicked paranoia the remaining 5 players are feeling at all times.
The first to go was Mr. DRU JOHNSTON, ambushed Saturday in broad daylight just outside the one-block radius from the theater, “his head,” according to his...
SUDDEN DEATH BEGINS NOW
SUDDEN DEATH BEGINS NOW.
ANOTHER TRAGIC RESIGNATION, OR: 8 PLAYERS HEAVE A...
Mr. Secunda, shown above, in the only event anyone has ever had the drop on him.
After a close-call shootout in his apartment building lobby with his would-be assassin and a day or two of deliberation, ANDREW SECUNDA has decided to concede the duel to his opponent and RESIGN FROM THE COMPETITION, to gasps of shock and sighs of relief.
Forgive any typos in this dispatch, as I am unable to see...
APPARENTLY MS. RICH-PANTS DOESN'T WANT $400
Ms. Condon, above, withdrew from the game two days before its completion, apparently because an ass-ton of money means nothing to her.
MACKENZIE CONDON was the victim of an attempted assassination on Wednesday, in which her stealthy assassin unleashed an attack as she entered a bar. Unfortunately, that bar was a work event for which Ms. Condon was on the clock, which nullified what otherwise...
DAVID COPE PLAYS A HARP IN HEAVEN
DAVID COPE, harp-playing standup comedian of note, was shot dead last night at a show. From his assassin:
“Grabbing a beer for camouflage I made my way upstairs and scanned the dimly lit room. Then I spotted him. Shorter than I imagined but the same gaunt face. I asked a red-haired woman that subtly reminded me of Eric Stoltz’s character from Mask whether David had finished his...
ANOTHER ASSASSIN TAKEN DOWN BY THE JEDI TARGET
An artist’s rendition of the man who may very well win this competition.
What the fuck, people. Remember the epic shootout last week in which a target DEFLECTED A DART WITH HIS GUN BEFORE SHOOTING HIS ASSASSIN? Get this: THAT JEDI JUST TOPPED HIMSELF AND KILLED YET ANOTHER ONE OF HIS FOOLHARDY WOULD-BE MURDERERS.
SHANNON O’NEILL, a formidable assailant by any measure, had a devious...
MOLLIE VOGT-WELCH DEAD
Mollie, shown here with her boyfriend, Justin Tyler, who was unable to protect her from her bloodthirsty assassin.
MOLLIE VOGT-WELCH was shot in the chest this morning at 12:05AM right in front of her apartment building. She was on her cell-phone-telephone - the bane of so many target’s existences - and her assassin took advantage of the distraction and pounced, swiftly and mercilessly. A...
A NATION WEEPS AS A HERO IS SLAIN
Alden Ford, perhaps the greatest human being on Earth, was shot to death repeatedly this morning at approximately 2:30AM, as he was entering his apartment, by his lethal and unbelievably patient assassin, who had entered his building at 6PM and waited for EIGHT AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS until Mr. Ford returned home.
EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS.
More on Mr. Ford’s greatness in a moment, but...
HE'S DUNN FOR, OR: WHAT'S DUNN IS DONE
Yes, I know I posted this picture on Chris’ last obituary, but I couldn’t help myself. Look at this badass.
This morning, just after 8AM, CHRISTOPHER DUNN was shot in another epic shootout right outside his home in Queens. His assassin had been waiting there for 45 minutes, so he decided to ring the buzzer to make sure Mr. Dunn was at home. Dunn saw through this non-ruse and exited...