Alright, folks. We’ve been in a stalemate for a while now, so we’re kicking things into high gear. The new, definitive end of this round is WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3rd at 11:59 PM. Here’s how it will work - pay attention: If you are still alive at the end of the game and you have no kills under your belt, you do not win anything. If you are still alive at the end of the game and you...
Because of the long weekend which has removed some players temporarily, the tournament is being extended until one player is left standing. Also, remember that the best offense is a good defense. If you’re a COWARD. Also, remember that boyfriend/girlfriend alliances are great ideas. FOR ASSHOLES.
Stephen Unckles - DEAD
Stephen Unckles arrived at a crowded Williamsburg bar last night at approximately 10:30PM in pursuit of his target, Rohan Flinn. Unckles entered the dark bar with gun drawn, searching the crowded establishment for his mark. Mr. Flinn was expecting an altercation that evening, if not from Steve, from someone, and was quick to fire on Steve before he was attacked, killing him in the middle of a...
REMINDER: SUDDEN DEATH ROUND STARTS TONIGHT AT 12
Four days are left in this tournament, which means that at midnight tonight, any players left alive may kill any other living players. Witness rule still applies. I’ll be emailing work/residence information to all remaining players tonight. Let the bloodbath, especially the one that contains Justin Tyler’s blood, begin.
Some Douchebag Shoots Alden Ford
[Ford, in happier times, sharing a friendly joke with the “man” who would later slay him on a bullshit technicality. At left, some fucker, also a one-time FRIEND, who helped Mr. Tyler set up the elaborate but utterly ignoble ruse.] Alden Ford was killed at 10:45AM today, in the hallway of a once good friend’s apartment building, by his target, who technically correctly cited...
For the second time in this tournament, an assassin has ruthlessly eliminated TWO TARGETS IN A SINGLE DAY. Mackenzie Condon was shot exactly one block from her workplace this evening at approximately 6:40PM, her assassin still reeling with adrenaline from his earlier murder of Mr. Iverson. Good night, Ms. Condon. And to Mackenzie’s target, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. THIS ASSASSIN’S...
There has been much hay made recently of elaborate set-ups, cruel manipulation and daring escapes. Bit we must remember that a kill is a kill, no matter how much fanfare accompanies it. Such is the story of the death or Ryan Iverson, shot while crossing the street this afternoon at approximately 3:30PM. His assassin staked him out, waited for him to pass by his hideout, emerged and shot him...
A player has received complaints from superiors at work regarding assassins calling his workplace. I’m going to call a moratorium on this - we don’t want anyone fired. Find another way to track down your target. Game on!
The Hunter Becomes the Hunted! or, IT'S (get)HARD...
[A dramatic re-enactment of the exhilarating chase. We’re pretty sure Roach was shirtless.] Ladies and gentlemen, the impossible has occurred. There were many questions about this scenario before the game started, but to be honest, I never thought it would happen. But this afternoon at approximately 5:30PM, Nicholas Roach succeeded in evading, firing on and fatally shooting his assassin,...
A Day of Respite
For the first day since the beginning of the tournament, there have been no kills. It is also Sunday, considered in certain religions to be a day of rest. It is also Mother’s Day. Coincidence? I think not. The most dangerous assassins are those who are sensitive, those whose faculties are fine-tuned to smell the heady scent of fear, taste the metallic tang of a warm trail, hear the...
Local Stoic Gets Dead
Noted Brown alumnus and proud phlegmatist Matthew Fisher was fatally shot on the street this afternoon during a big important phone call, which diverted his attention for long enough for his cunning assassin to sneak along the street to within a critical radius. Fisher was unarmed, which points both to his assassin’s ruthlessness and to Fisher’s own hubris. Details on this grisly...
For Those Keeping Track:
The current list of living players is as follows (updated throughout the game): Clyde Folley Jon Golbe Jason Carden Nicholas Roach Rohan Flinn
Dark Horse Rising
Holy Shit. I randomly woke up in the middle of the night to find two chilling emails from this game’s most formidable assassin yet - heretofore silent. This killer has acheived a coveted DOUBLE KILL, killing TWO TARGETS IN A SINGLE NIGHT. First, around midnight, this master of lethal marksmanship fatally shot noted badass Joshua Richards (see obiutary below) THROUGH THE FUCKING LIVING...
Adam Frucci was assassinated this evening outside of the UCB Theater. No gadgets or samurai swords could save him from the stealthy cunning of his deadly assailant. Who is next on Adam’s killer’s list? If it isn’t you, IT WILL BE SOON.
. . . more like DEAD Bittner!
At 2PM today, Dan Bittner was lured into a fake “audition” with comedy director David Wain at the Grey Dog Cafe, where he was summarily shot by his devious assassin, who spared no energy or expense in devising this cruel and elaborate trap. Dan got the part. The part of ASSASSINATED. Dan’s former target is in deep trouble. A word of advice: don’t trust any calls from...
Next Stop: DEATH
Jordan D. White was killed this morning at 9:07 AM on the V Train on his way to work. His assassin followed him from his home, isolated him on the train, and shot him fatally in chest from the seat opposite him. The “D.” in Jordan’s name now stands for “Dead.” R.I.P., sir. Let it be known that Jordan’s target has entered a world of pain. STAY ALERT.
Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNN!
Christopher Dunn was assassinated in an epic shootout at 10PM tonight outside of Mustang Sally’s Bar. Chris got a shot off, hitting his assailant only milliseconds too late. Said his assassin, “It was a miracle kill.” Well dunn, Chris. God Speed. To Chris’ would-be target: You are now being hunted by the man who killed the FedEx Assassin. Step up your FUCKING GAME.
Pat Baer was killed this evening in front of the UCB Theater at 8:15PM by an assassin even more formidable than himself. Baer was no easy mark, stealthy and cunning, yet he was taken down. Baer’s mark, bewaer!
Alex owes me $15. If he doesn’t pay it by the end of the game, I can’t be held responsible for the actions of the winner, who will by that point have racked up an impressive number of kills.
ALEX FAST, R.I.P.
Alex Fast was assassinated today by a stranger dressed as a FedEx employee, in the hallway of his apartment building, just one day before his 21st birthday. Alex’s target is now in the hands of a cruel, manipulative master of disguise. Sleep with one eye open.
Justin Purnell was assassinated this evening at Peter McManus Cafe. Rest in Peace, Justin. To Justin’s Target: You have a new, faster, more agile and more lethal assassin now. Stay frosty!
P.S. I AM WRITING THIS FROM INSIDE MY TARGET’S SOCK DRAWER
I KNOW IT’S RAINING BUT COME ON
GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM PEOPLE
UNLESS YOUR TARGET IS ME. IN WHICH CASE, KEEP PROCRASTINATING.
WHICH IS TO SAY, GET IN GEAR ASSHOLES.
17 HOURS AND 20 MINUTES WITHOUT A KILL.
THE TOURNAMENT BEGINS NOW.
THE TOURNAMENT WILL BEGIN IN 20 MINUTES.
THE TOURNAMENT WILL BEGIN IN 5 HOURS AND 4 MINUTES.
THE TOURNAMENT WILL BEGIN IN 14 HOURS AND 20 MINUTES.