March 2010
37 posts
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
This competition is nearly finished. It is down to two: the juggernaut BEN RAMEAKA, with an UNBELIEVABLE 8 KILLS, and ADAM FRUCCI, David to Rameaka’s Goliath, with 2 first-week kills.
WHO WILL BE VICTORIOUS? WHO WILL BE THE CHAMPION OF COMEDY NERDS SHOOTING EACH OTHER WITH TOY GUNS??
MOR-GONE PHILLIPS
MORGAN PHILLIPS was shot today immediately after his Harold Night callback. His assassin offered the following words of consolation:
“Better after your audition than before, right?”
Morgan was a daring and inventive assassin, if not a prolific one. His weapons of choice were a tiny, wrist-mounted gun which could be easily worn and concealed under a shirt sleeve, and his trusty...
BAER SEASON! WABBIT SEASON! BAER SEASON! WABBIT...
Pat Baer was shot tonight at the UCB Theater. There are now 3 left.
Pat Baer was many things: studious researcher of the lives and schedules of every player, fiercely defensive evasive maneuverer, pugilistic online presence, staunch defender of the rules of the game. He stayed alive longer than his biggest skeptics, and died peacefully, having resigned himself to what he knew would be his...
SHOOTING STARZ, OR: FOR THE LAST TIME, DON'T TRUST...
People. Seriously. How many times do I have to tell you: TRUST NO ONE. ESPECIALLY - ESPECIALLY - CHRIS FUCKING GETHARD.
ALAN STARZINSKI was the victim of another epic double-cross tonight, the predictable outcome of believing a single word from the mouth of the late Mr. Gethard.
I’ve posted his entire email to me below, as I feel it is at home on this blog - he has flatteringly peppered...
YOU CRAZY PEOPLE ARE KILLING EACH OTHER FASTER...
Sorry for the lack of updates, friends. Three players have met their demises since the last dispatch - two of them while I slumbered last night, free from the panicked paranoia the remaining 5 players are feeling at all times.
The first to go was Mr. DRU JOHNSTON, ambushed Saturday in broad daylight just outside the one-block radius from the theater, “his head,” according to his...
SUDDEN DEATH BEGINS NOW
SUDDEN DEATH BEGINS NOW.
ANOTHER TRAGIC RESIGNATION, OR: 8 PLAYERS HEAVE A...
Mr. Secunda, shown above, in the only event anyone has ever had the drop on him.
After a close-call shootout in his apartment building lobby with his would-be assassin and a day or two of deliberation, ANDREW SECUNDA has decided to concede the duel to his opponent and RESIGN FROM THE COMPETITION, to gasps of shock and sighs of relief.
Forgive any typos in this dispatch, as I am unable to see...
APPARENTLY MS. RICH-PANTS DOESN'T WANT $400
Ms. Condon, above, withdrew from the game two days before its completion, apparently because an ass-ton of money means nothing to her.
MACKENZIE CONDON was the victim of an attempted assassination on Wednesday, in which her stealthy assassin unleashed an attack as she entered a bar. Unfortunately, that bar was a work event for which Ms. Condon was on the clock, which nullified what otherwise...
DAVID COPE PLAYS A HARP IN HEAVEN
DAVID COPE, harp-playing standup comedian of note, was shot dead last night at a show. From his assassin:
“Grabbing a beer for camouflage I made my way upstairs and scanned the dimly lit room. Then I spotted him. Shorter than I imagined but the same gaunt face. I asked a red-haired woman that subtly reminded me of Eric Stoltz’s character from Mask whether David had finished his...
ANOTHER ASSASSIN TAKEN DOWN BY THE JEDI TARGET
An artist’s rendition of the man who may very well win this competition.
What the fuck, people. Remember the epic shootout last week in which a target DEFLECTED A DART WITH HIS GUN BEFORE SHOOTING HIS ASSASSIN? Get this: THAT JEDI JUST TOPPED HIMSELF AND KILLED YET ANOTHER ONE OF HIS FOOLHARDY WOULD-BE MURDERERS.
SHANNON O’NEILL, a formidable assailant by any measure, had a devious...
MOLLIE VOGT-WELCH DEAD
Mollie, shown here with her boyfriend, Justin Tyler, who was unable to protect her from her bloodthirsty assassin.
MOLLIE VOGT-WELCH was shot in the chest this morning at 12:05AM right in front of her apartment building. She was on her cell-phone-telephone - the bane of so many target’s existences - and her assassin took advantage of the distraction and pounced, swiftly and mercilessly. A...
A NATION WEEPS AS A HERO IS SLAIN
Alden Ford, perhaps the greatest human being on Earth, was shot to death repeatedly this morning at approximately 2:30AM, as he was entering his apartment, by his lethal and unbelievably patient assassin, who had entered his building at 6PM and waited for EIGHT AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS until Mr. Ford returned home.
EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS.
More on Mr. Ford’s greatness in a moment, but...
HE'S DUNN FOR, OR: WHAT'S DUNN IS DONE
Yes, I know I posted this picture on Chris’ last obituary, but I couldn’t help myself. Look at this badass.
This morning, just after 8AM, CHRISTOPHER DUNN was shot in another epic shootout right outside his home in Queens. His assassin had been waiting there for 45 minutes, so he decided to ring the buzzer to make sure Mr. Dunn was at home. Dunn saw through this non-ruse and exited...
A RUNNING LIST - UPDATED AS EVENTS UNFOLD (NOW...
Pat Baer
Todd Beiber - 1 KILL
Jason Carden - 1 KILL
Ellena Chmielewski
Mackenzie Condon
David Cope
Chris Dunn
D’Arcy Erokan
Matt Fisher
John Flynn
Alden Ford
Adam Frucci - 2 KILLS
John Frusciante
Chris Gethard
Jocelyn Guest
Dru Johnston - 1 KILL
Nick Mendillo
Justin Noble - 1 KILL
Shannon O’Neill - 2 KILLS
Verónica Osorio
Silvija Ozols
Morgan Phillips
Justin Purnell - 3...
THIS JUSTIN: PURNELL DEAD
THE DEVIOUSNESS CONTINUES. From his assassin:
“I had enlisted Scott Adsit and Christina Gausus, the stars of the show before Justin Purnell’s, to betray him.
Luckily for me, both seemed more than amenable to the idea. After their show, Adsit was to let me in the back door of the theater and Gausus was to lure Justin into the back hallway of UCB, where I had taken up my stalking...
YES, YES, JASON CARDEN IS DEAD
The late Mr. Carden, in full ninja regalia
First, a retraction: Someone did die yesterday. Reigning champion of last round JASON CARDEN was shot late last night by an assassin who felt like telling everyone about it before telling me. I heard about it from like six people before I finally heard from his assassin.
What, am I not cool enough to hear the news right away? Are you keeping your own...
ALL QUIET ON THE NERFTERN FRONT
Nobody died yesterday. After days of back and forth, where first assassins dominated, then their targets were more crafty, it seems we have reached equilibrium.
Let’s drop that other shoe, folks. Make some kills!
R.I.P. NICK MENDILLENA CHMIELEWSKI
Mr. Mendillo, rocking it out. Bury Your Dead indeed.
Ms. Chmielewski, wearing the hoodie she will be buried in.
ANOTHER DOUBLE KILL has been perpetrated by a deadly, crafty, and incredibly patient assassin this evening, first stalking NICK MENDILLO, then immediately tracking down and killing ELLENA CHMIELEWSKI.
An unsuspecting Nick Mendillo eats dinner.
First, the deadly killer followed...
I BET HE'S HAVING SECUNDA THOUGHTS ABOUT TRUSTING...
Just when you thought this game couldn’t get any more ridiculous, just when you started to think that the Red-Headed Angel of Death really was out of this game, there comes the story a long con so ridiculous, so cruel and so intricate that the following story makes me unlikely to trust anything anyone says, writes or texts me for the next 12 days, and maybe for the rest of my life.
...
GONE TIMOTHY, OR: TWO FIGHTS, FOUR DARTS
This game has officially gone haybananas. TWICE, IN ONE EVENING, two attempted assassinations went to shit, resulting in both target and killer taking shots SIMULTANEOUSLY. In one case, both parties struck each other at the same time, and as they were unable to determine a clear victor, have agreed to try again. Their identities will remain secret. In the parallel universe that was JOHN...
SMOKING KILLS
Ms. Ozols, Shown here peering around a corner, obviously did not exhibit this level of caution last night.
Last night at 12:20AM, SILVIJA OZOLS did her assassin’s job for her and isolated herself for a cigarette, where she was easy prey for her killer. Not much else is known about this brutal murder, but in a case this poetic, this symbolic, what else needs be known?
Yes, smoking has...
FLYNN IS FIN
Late last night, JOHN FLYNN boarded a Queens-bound E train after a long shift at the theater, with another player in tow for protection. Little did he know that THREE players, not two, boarded that ill-fated train. The third was stealthy. Patient. Determined. He boarded the adjacent car and watched through the windows of the train, until Mr. Flynn’s protection deboarded, leaving him...
SHE DIDN'T SURVIVE
JOCELYN GUEST was shot early this morning, her screams of “fuck you!” echoing down West 4th Street, like angry church bells or a rooster that just lost the chance to win a lot of money, ringing in a glorious new day for all to hear.
The taunting started two nights ago, according to the late Ms. Guest, receiving, in her words, “creepy” texts like “See you...
THE HITS KEEP COMING
It’s been a massacre today, ladies and gentlemen. A day that began with an epic face-off has ended with a simple kill, executed with patience, again after the end of a rehearsal amongst friends. The victim this time? MR. JOHN FRUSCIANTE.
The savage assassin and one-time friend left rehearsal early, poised himself outside the exit, and as the unsuspecting Mr. Frusciante walked out, in his...
UPDATE: ZOMBIEBER SPEAKS
A note from the late Todd Bieber:
“Unfortunately, I tell this tale from the grave…
I scheduled a series of video shoots on Tuesday for UCB Comedy dot com. Anthony King was directing two Blackout videos in the morning and I was directing two in the afternoon at Celeste Ballard’s apartment in the LES. On Saturday afternoon I decided to cast Jim Santengeli and Sue Galloway for...
A NOBLE DEATH
What a shame. Arguably our most intricately devious assassin so far has been cut down before the euphoria of his first, awesome kill had left his bloodthirsty body. Perhaps the endorphins can be blamed for his short-sightedness, his momentary lapse of judgment that allowed his assassin to slip behind him and deliver the deadly dart. Yes, JUSTIN NOBLE, AKA Suzanne O’Malley, the man who took...
TWO KILLS: ONE AWESOME, ONE ____________
Two more assassins met their untimely ends today.
One assassin was defeated in a diabolically complex superdeception in which identities were forged, trust was gained then lost, and a meeting was set up, only to turn to a bloodbath, fed by the bloodfaucet of one TODD BIEBER. The other assassin, JIM SANTANGELI, was ________________________________________.
First, what we do know. I received an...
A NOTE FROM THE MERCILESS CHRIS GETHARD
Chris Gethard, the only person to provide, in both games so far, an actual, for-real shootout, has sent me the following to post to you.
“Hello everyone, Chris Gethard here.
As you may have heard, this morning I attacked my target, Chris Dunn, as he exited his house in Queens. Due not at all to any sort of unsteady hand, but only the crappiness of my gun (the same gun that fucked me...
AN EPIC BATTLE IN QUEENS
Ladies and gentlemen, I received this email today from Christopher Dunn, a nearly unbelievable account of a monumental battle between two ruthless juggernauts of this competition, which ended, unbelievably, in a stalemate. READ ON. The name of Dunn’s assassin has not been changed, as the cat has been let out of the bag on Facebook.
“I woke up this morning, a little hung over. I...
I BET SHE WAS SO M.A.D.
Abra Tabak, a.k.a. DJ Lil’ Pee Pee, was fatally shot last night outside of the UCB theater following Harold night, by an assassin WHO ONLY HOURS BEFORE HAD PULLED THE SAME DIRTY FALSE ALLIANCE TRICK WITH THE LATE MATTHEW FISHER.
Abra was one of our most beautiful assassins, if not the deadliest. May her loveliness be long remembered, and her uselessness quickly forgotten.
Abra’s...
MORTE FISHEUR
Tonight at 7:40PM, the second player in this grim spectacle met his end as another false alliance was formed between MATT FISHER and his brutal killer. Meeting In Herald Square to walk to the theater in a gesture of friendship and mutual protection, Mr. Fisher was SHOT IN THE CHEST BY HIS CRUEL AND HEARTLESS ASSASSIN EVEN BEFORE IT WAS REVEALED that the “partnership” the two had...
FIRST BLOOD
This deadly game that we play is but a suggestion of action, an ephemeral battle of wits until the first dart of the tournament leaps from the barrel of a ruthless assassin, hurtling through the space which poetically juxtaposes hunter and hunted. Making deadly contact, the first brutal shot makes the figurative literal. It makes the theoretical actual. It makes the cocky tweet a braggy tweet.
...
THE ROUND BEGINS NOW.
