March 2011
16 posts
GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE A KENNEDY ASSASSINATED, OR:...
MARSHALL STRATTON was killed in a reversal last night after being lured into a trap BY HIS TARGET. Earlier that evening, an attempt had been made by Stratton, but both the assassin’s and target’s darts hit at the same time, so a reset was called. After a show, Marshall’s target enlisted the help of another player and the two headed to the train together. But the target noticed...
"TELL ALDEN NOT TO BE LAZY WITH MY HEADLINE," OR:...
ERIK DIES has DIESd at the hands of a DIESabolical assassin intent on ERIKadicating him from the tournament. Not unlike MonDIE’S assassination of Justin Purnell, Erik’s assassin chERIKed in at McManus and was surprDIESed to see his target sitting at a booth with no other players in sight. The kill was simple and free of superfluiDIES. Nothing but a “sorry, buddy,” a dart...
CALL THE PALM-BEARER, OR: THE MATCH STRIKES TWO
Late last night I received two emails telling the same story from two very different perspectives. The story in question: The grisly death of one GARRETT PALM.
First, the assassin’s tale (feel free to add your own punctuation where you see fit):
Earlier this week I texted one of garrett’s improv teammates and asked when they practiced and where, without suspicion. As i entered the...
SHOT FOR LLOYDERING, OR: SO SOLLY, MOLLY
MOLLY LLOYD has fallen at the hands of a much less verbose assassin than Sarah Wharton’s. Moments after posting an epic Gchat screenshot about Sarah’s death, I received this palate cleanser from another assassin:
To say this is an efficient email is an understatement.
BUT THIS IS AS IT SHOULD BE. No tales of grandeur for Molly Lloyd’s assassin, no. Her description of her...
H.A.M. SARAHNDWICH, OR: WHARTON INTERESTING STORY
SARAH WHARTON was killed early this morning by a determined and patient assassin. His story needs no elaboration. Behold:
Farewell, Ms. Wharton.
FINALLY MY LOVE’S DEATH HAS BEEN AVENGED. THE ONLY THANKS I CAN OFFER IS MADE OF FOAM AND YOU WILL NOT SEE IT COMING.
18 PLAYERS REMAIN.
PURN NOTICE
JUSTIN PURNELL was killed yesterday in a hasty and miraculously successful reconnaissance mission to Peter McManus Cafe. Purnell’s assassin, enjoying a frosty beverage at a bar just up the street, thought to check the UCB hangout in the off-chance that his target was there. Sure enough, when he arrived at McManus, Mr. Purnell was one of the very few people in the establishment.
Not...
SO LONGY McNULTY
JOHNNY McNULTY has fallen at the hands of a devious assassin. On Monday afternoon, the assailant arrived to Champions rehearsal studios and waited in a garbage room in the lobby with a sufficient surveillance view of the elevator bank. A true assassin is many things, but above hiding amidst refuse is not one of them.
After brooding in the trash room and scaring the shit out of several unwitting...
BROOKLYN DIE-CEUM, OR: MIKE'S CALLIN'S AT THE...
MIKE SCOLLINS met a tragic end last night at the in Brooklyn, the victim of an intense assassination that was very nearly botched.
At approximately 1:30AM, Mr. Scollins headed to the disgusting restrooms on the first floor of the Brooklyn Lyceum, and after assassinating his urge to urinate, was pulled aside by a friend in the anteroom. An observant player noticed him conversing, unarmed and out...
THE LAST NOEL, OR: WINSTON DEAD-MORE
A comedy of errors became a tragedy of terrors last night for one WINSTON NOEL, whose promising start in his first round of assassins was cut short. His encounter with his assassin started with a botched attempt but led to a successful kill by the very same assailant only moments later.
Mr. Noel was enjoying a drink at a bar below a theater where he was performing, when in burst his reckless...
POOR ALISON RICH
Artist’s rendition of the look on Ms. Rich’s face at the time of her death. We employ incredibly meticulous rendition artists.
ALISON RICH, a first-time combatant in this round, was assassinated this evening in Chelsea in an epic chase and shootout.
Ms. Rich’s assassin contacted me this evening and was incredibly secretive about the circumstances involving her death....
TERRY WITHERS AND DIES
At 12:30 this morning I received two emails, one from the late TERRY WITHERS, and the other from his victorious assassin. They both told a similar story, one of a long and patient stakeout, a face-off in which the assassin coolly drew his gun and dared Mr. Withers to fight back, an intense pursuit through icy and wet streets, the sleet mirroring the chill in Terry’s soul as he felt the...
TUESDAY (FIRST) BLOODY TUESDAY
THE GAME IS FUCKING AFOOT.
THREE WORTHY CONTENDERS MET A GRISLY END Tuesday night at the hands of two deadly, deadly assassins.
file photo
First, at 7:45PM, the reanimated corpse of MACKENZIE CONDON was leaving her place of work and was shot, again, by her persistent assassin, who escaped with his brains intact. Dead-ja vu. Goodnight once again, Ms. Condon.
But her assassin’s bloodlust...
GET IT TOGETHER
There are still no kills to report. This means one of two things:
1. You people are the most silent, stealthy, untrackable deadly ghost ninjas alive, and are all constantly evading each other in a poetic, perfectly balanced dance of near misses and high-tension pursuit and evasion. When a single assassin takes a wrong step, the entire game will become a bloodbath of carefully planned schemes,...
MACKENZOMBIE CONDON
Ms. Condon, once deceased, seen here moments after rising from the grave.
Due to an error on the part of her assassin, Mackenzie Condon was not actually killed on Tuesday. She was shot within the one-block safety radius around her workplace and was therefore immune from assassination. She is back in the game and First Blood in this game has yet to be drawn. Careful, Ms. Condon - it may yet be...
FIRST BLOOD: MACKENZIE GONE-DON
Ladies and gentlemen, the first blood on this glorious battleground has been spilt. MACKENZIE CONDON, a comely young lady and third-year veteran to this brutal tournament, was shot exactly one block from her place of work, followed by her stealthy and exacting assassin, who wasted no time before fulfilling his grim charge.
Details about this swift and brutal assassination are scant, but that is...
28 MEN AND WOMEN OF STEALTH, CUNNING AND...
The following 28 men and women are cold-blooded killers the likes of which this game has never seen. Some are seasoned veterans - to them the hunt is a familiar lover, death an honored friend. Others have the fire of the neophyte, playing for the first time with passion and ingenuity perhaps unseen in the jaded and hardened masters.
MANY WILL HUNT....
