April 2011
14 posts
BECKY DIES-DALE, OR: ADD "-DALE" TO MY ERIK DIES...
Just when I thought the deadly Nivedita Kulkarni couldn’t get any more secretive, I receive the following email concerning her brutal assassination of BECKY DRYSDALE:
“Becky Drysdale dead - undisclosed time and location”
That is some chillingly non-informational shit.
Rest in peace, Becky. I don’t know when or where you died, but I know how: at the deadly, unflinching...
FAREWELLENA CHMIE-PEW-PEW-PEW-SKI, OR: KULKARNI...
ELLENA CHMIELEWSKI, the most recent player to score a kill, was herself assassinated this morning at 9AM by the terrifying Nivedita Kulkarni, who again sent a no-nonsense email to report.
HOWEVER, a text message from beyond the grave revealed a fascinating detail which thickens the plot of the shrouded mystery that is Ms. Kulkarni like a handful of fresh-chopped okra in a deadly, deadly Nerf...
JASON CARDAVER, OR: YOU JASON, YOU LOSE SOME
JASON CARDEN was brutally gunned down last week by the wily Ellena Chmielewski. Here is her account of the event:
I got a tip from another assassin about where Jason buys snacks every week before his show.
So I went there and shot him. Then I bought myself some snacks, too.
Fascinating.
We may never know what manner of snacks these were — sweet or savory, chocolate-flavored or...
ANOTHER KILL, ANOTHER DELICIOUSLY SPARSE REPORT,...
MATTHEW DENNIE is dead, a man who I have not seen nor heard from since the round began. I can only assume this was because he has been right behind me the whole time, and my constant, sleepless, adrenaline-soaked circumvention tactics have ultimately payed off.
The formidable dark horse Nivedita Kulkarni has reported her second kill, both of which were reported with almost no information...
KILLER STRIKES, MATCH WON'T, OR: BAER VS. PENGUIN
The matchstick killer has struck again, once more with a deadly dart but a defective match. PAT BAER exited the UCB theater last week and was shot by Mr. Alan Starzinski as he made his way to the subway station. Unfortunately, the kill was inside the radius of protection (!) and was rendered invalid. Mr. Starzinski made his way onto the train, and Mr. Baer was faced with a dilemma. From his...
SCHWERER ALL THE UPDATES? HERE'S ONE.
JENNIFER LEIGH SCHWERER was brutally killed last week in a table-turning attempt on the life of one Becky Drysdale. Here is Ms. Schwerer’s account:
Over the last week, I stalked Becky’s apartment a number of times with no luck. Today, I decided that I needed to get inside. I planned to wait until her improv class ended and then buzz her apartment, pretending to be a student who...
AN EASTER DISPATCH FROM AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
Several contenders have fallen. The game is very much active. There will be a victor soon. Updates coming ASAP.
Until then, check out this terrible Easter Bunny illustration.
THESE PLAYERS STILL REMAIN
List updated as the game progresses.
NIVEDITA KULKARNI - 5 KILLS
ALAN STARZINSKI - 5 KILLS
GOOD BYE-LER, TYLER, OR: TRUCE OR GLARE
The death of Chris Dunn has been avenged, as JON TYLER was killed yesterday by Alden Ford.
It was a slow, patient wait, to be sure. Mr. Tyler and Mr. Ford had spent the afternoon in the company of other players, and besides, an armistice had been informally declared for the purposes of a stress-free lunch. But as the day progressed and lunch became drinks, drinks became more drinks and an...
SUD-DUNN DEATH, OR: CHRIS-MAS IS CANCELLED
CHRISTOPHER “BUCKY” DUNN was gunned down by Jon Tyler at 2:30AM on Saturday morning, mere hours after the start of sudden death. Details are scant and most likely distorted by the fog of drunkenness, but I have been assured that a somewhat accurate report of the apparently epic, 90-minute cat and mouse game is coming soon. What we do know is this - a chase occured. Sprints took...
NICK MENDILLO PERFORMS NERFFUKU
NICK MENDILLO is the first player to die in sudden death, and BY HIS OWN HAND. Behold the grisly suicide video he submitted:
Farewell, sir - you just racked up your second kill.
NOW THERE ARE 11.
SLAY ANYTHING
SUDDEN DEATH HAS BEGUN.
BUSTIN' TYLER, OR: J.T. FIZZLE
In a delightful act of secrecy, I received word of the death of JUSTIN TYLER via an anonymous email account. The email follows:
Yesterday evening I waited for Mr. Tyler, crouched next to a concrete pillar outside of his work place. I had received a tip from a trusted source that he would be there, but there was no way to know what time he would emerge. After about an hour, I began to think...
GOLDEN ARCHES, PEARLY GATES, OR: I'LL TAKE THAT...
JESSE GLASGOW was gunned down yesterday in front of a McDonald’s near hear home, by an assassin with great taste in delicious fast food.
During his stakeout, Ms. Glasgow’s assassin dined on an American classic, the 10-piece Chicken McNuggets®, only $3.85, dipped in our tangy, spicy buffalo sauce, complimentary and available by request where available. An assassin as efficient and...
