SHOT FOR LLOYDERING, OR: SO SOLLY, MOLLY
MOLLY LLOYD has fallen at the hands of a much less verbose assassin than Sarah Wharton’s. Moments after posting an epic Gchat screenshot about Sarah’s death, I received this palate cleanser from another assassin:
To say this is an efficient email is an understatement.
BUT THIS IS AS IT SHOULD BE. No tales of grandeur for Molly Lloyd’s assassin, no. Her description of her kill is, I imagine, just like the assassination itself: swift. Clean. Direct. Cold. Maybe even a little rude. Sparse of punctuation and lacking complete sentence structure.
So I shall tell the tale the only way I can: by filling in the blanks in the assassin’s kill report like a Nerf Mad Lib.
At 5:40PM on a BOOGERY spring day, Molly Lloyd exited the SPACESHIP and approached Pearl Studios with a FART in her step. “GOBSTOPPERS!” Molly exclaimed, STUPIDLY. “I can’t wait to SNEEZE with my improv group, The KETCHUPS!” Little did she JUMP, however, that she was being SHRUNK by her devious assassin, DONATELLO. Just as she SCREAMED the door, DONATELLO ran across the DOG and pulled out her SHOE. “I have you now!” shouted DONATELLO. Molly knew she was a TAMPON. DONATELLO pulled the BELLY BUTTON and out shot 1 GOOGOL foam SNAKES! Molly was DIVORCED. She had lost the SWIMMING POOL. But at least she could POOP better that night knowing there wasn’t a NINTENDO hiding in her TOOTHBRUSH!
The End.
17 ARE LEFT. STAY ALERT. SLEEP WITH ONE TOENAIL OPEN.
