GOLDEN ARCHES, PEARLY GATES, OR: I’LL TAKE THAT “TO (GLAS)GO”
JESSE GLASGOW was gunned down yesterday in front of a McDonald’s near hear home, by an assassin with great taste in delicious fast food.
During his stakeout, Ms. Glasgow’s assassin dined on an American classic, the 10-piece Chicken McNuggets®, only $3.85, dipped in our tangy, spicy buffalo sauce, complimentary and available by request where available. An assassin as efficient and cunning as Ms. Glasgow’s no doubt opted for the Chicken McNuggets® Extra Value Meal (or the “#9,” for our regulars - go ahead, our friendly crew members know each number by heart) which includes a medium order of our World Famous Fries and a medium icy soft drink for only $6.59, although this report has not been confirmed.
The assailant left the restaurant to shoot his target as she crossed the street, but if Jesse had stayed in her apartment for just a few more minutes, we like to think that her murderer would have enjoyed one of our new Snack-Size McFlurry® Frozen Treats, available with either delicious Oreo® cookies or colorful, chocolatey M&M’s® candies swirled in for a crunchy-creamy treat that’s a moo-tiful partnership.
Or maybe Jesse’s assassin would have kept fit with one of our healthy choices, such as our Premium Bacon Ranch Salad with Crispy Chicken (370 cal), or our Grilled Honey Mustard Snack Wrap (290 cal), both of which prove that fast food doesn’t have to be fat food.
Rest in Peace, Ms. Glasgow. And for those of you who only feel dead, look no farther than our deliciously bold McCafé® Iced Coffee drinks, made with 100% pure Arabica espresso beans and guaranteed to revitalize even the most exhausted adventurers. Try our new hazelnut flavor, available at participating locations.
THIS KILL REPORT HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY ALLSTATE INSURANCE.
