ANOTHER ASSASSIN TAKEN DOWN BY THE JEDI TARGET
An artist’s rendition of the man who may very well win this competition.
What the fuck, people. Remember the epic shootout last week in which a target DEFLECTED A DART WITH HIS GUN BEFORE SHOOTING HIS ASSASSIN? Get this: THAT JEDI JUST TOPPED HIMSELF AND KILLED YET ANOTHER ONE OF HIS FOOLHARDY WOULD-BE MURDERERS.
SHANNON O’NEILL, a formidable assailant by any measure, had a devious plan - to follow her target’s cab in a long blonde wig and puffy jacket as a disguise, then to jump out and assassinate her target upon his arrival at his destination. But this valuable intel was given to her target by several informants, and he kept his eyes peeled.
Shannon’s target got in a cab with his cousin and her friend, visiting the city from New Mexico, and left the UCB theater, checking over his shoulder as they departed. Sure enough, he spotted Shannon’s car (“With her famous vanity plate ‘Spomobile’”) tailing them. From the brave and deadly target:
“Pulling up close, my assassin looked me in the eye, removed her blonde wig and made threatening gestures. The mood quickly shifted. What was once a joyful ride home with family after they had watched a taping of the Jimmy Fallon show and then Harold night quickly became a dark and nefarious trip with the full on implication of my potential demise. Our cabbie was resilient and determined. Though not asked to (I stress, I never asked him to drive as fast as he did), he quickly gauged the temperature of his environment and tried to lose his tail several times. He was unsuccessful. In an attempt to play psychological warfare I texted my assassin 3 times: ” How does the back of my head look?” followed by “Hope you’re ready for a shootout” followed by “How’s that exhaust taste? No money goes to 12th runner up.” All this was answered by silence. BUT THEN MY PHONE RANG AND A THROATY IRISH VOICE SAID ” GET READY TO DIE, FAG-BOMB.” The chase continued more heated than ever. Handing my bag and 20 dollars to my frightened and bewildered cousin I sprang from the car two blocks before my destination at a stop light, wheeled on my would-be opponent, leapt over her dart as it zoomed towards my genitalia, took aim and fired, scoring a hit THROUGH HER CAR WINDOW onto her shoulder. We then chatted for half an hour about what pussies everybody else was and I took this picture (note blonde wig on passenger seat):”
That shit is flat-out amazing. A KILLING SHOT THROUGH A CAR WINDOW, AFTER DODGING YET ANOTHER BULLET?!
This game just keeps getting more awesome.
Farewell, Ms. O’Neill. Your two outstanding kills were swift, stealthy, and without mercy. And you were ever vigilant: This assassin remembers recently staking out his own target and watching you warily (and, let’s be honest, hilariously) exit the theater and race to your car as though an arsenal of darts were trained on you at all times. And that is doubtlessly why you made it this far. Your greatness is eclipsed only by the amazing story of your grisly demise. Rest in peace.
11 left, friends. Shoot if you got ‘em. SUDDEN DEATH APPROACHES.
