YOU CRAZY PEOPLE ARE KILLING EACH OTHER FASTER THAN I CAN WRITE WITTILY ABOUT IT
Sorry for the lack of updates, friends. Three players have met their demises since the last dispatch - two of them while I slumbered last night, free from the panicked paranoia the remaining 5 players are feeling at all times.
The first to go was Mr. DRU JOHNSTON, ambushed Saturday in broad daylight just outside the one-block radius from the theater, “his head,” according to his assassin, “in a tizzy after receiving heavy notes from Michael Delaney.” The following gruesome picture was taken.
The second and third kills happened late last night. The first casualty of the evening was the lovely D’ARCY EROKAN, killed in an furious shootout at The Creek in Long Island City. Her assassin showed up in an attempt to kill Alan Starzinski, but soon realized that while Alan had not attended the show, Ms. Erokan was present and unsuspecting. But not ill-prepared.
An epic shootout began, starting in the theater and moving to the street. Then the eye of the storm, as D’Arcy’s killer lost her target briefly and feared all was lost. Then:
“The only thought going through my head was D’Arcy’s going to sneak up on me and kill me.
I turned around and that’s when I saw her. Holding two guns. Pointing them at me. I shit my pants.
We started firing. Both our first bullets fell short. My second one hit her in the leg.”
But the assassin’s victory was to be short lived, as she herself was to be the next to die. Yes, STEPHANIE STREISAND, fresh from her kill of Ms. Erokan, returned to her boyfriend’s apartment in Manhattan, unaware that her boyfriend’s roommate was about to betray her. Stephanie and her beau retired to his room to “watch” a “movie,” and the devious roommate allowed the deadly assassin entry. The killer spotted Stephanie’s gun lying on the couch, and realized the delicious irony of killing his target with her own weapon, the barrel still warm from her vicious kill just hours before.
I’d tell the rest of the story, but I’ve already used too much punctuation today, so I’ll quote her assassin:
“So upon entering the apartment I wasted no time I opened the door of the darkened room with my enemies side piece and my own in hand and fired brazenly until the response You keep missing was heard then I fired a trusty shot into a crack in the blanket under which she had laid and from there she was done killed by her own gun. As the door closed Her boyfriend’s roommate pronounced. “It’s over now.” I dedicated this kill to a dear friend Veronica Osorio. I also believe she was about to do it with her boyfriend, 2 POINTS!”
Normally I’d eulogize all these cunning killers. I’d tell you how noble and stealthy Dru Johnston was. I’d tell you of D’Arcy’s radiant and sensual beauty which once stayed her killer’s hand. I’d fondly remember the first kill of the game, perpetrated by Stephanie. Then I’d write something funny about each of them, about how they’re ascending the hall of heroes to hang out with legends like Jean Reno and Chris Gethard or something. Then I’d say something in all caps to sound real intense about how there are only 5 players left and sudden death is at full tilt and you’d better watch your fucking backs.
BUT I CAN’T WRITE ALL THAT BECAUSE YOU CRAZY PEOPLE ARE KILLING EACH OTHER FASTER THAN I CAN WRITE WITTILY ABOUT IT. I EVEN HAD TO REUSE MY HEADLINE TO SAVE TIME.
