ALDEN FORD was brutally gunned down yesterday, as we all knew he would be, yet another in an unstoppable killing streak by the vicious Nivedita Kulkarni. As Alden left his neighborhood laundromat, he was wary and alert, but as he ventured home, his springtime allergies gave him a three-sneeze fit which allowed his assassin to cross the street unnnoticed and put Mr. Ford out of his misery. See, Terry Withers? I knew someone would die in a less dignified way than you did.
Normally this would be where I would talk about Mr. Ford’s better qualities, his two kills and his prowess in evasion and trickery, but what’s the point? We all knew he would be the next to die. In the face of a master of disguise and the Pun Killer, what chance did he ever really have?
Now we have ourselves a game. The swaggering bravado and copious shit-talking of the Matchstick Man, and the silent, deadly mystery that is the Costumed Killer. Both have five kills. Both are deadly beyond measure. Neither can be trusted. ONLY ONE WILL SURVIVE.